Remembering

IF

1. I held you, Trace.

2. The  fear swept over us, I held you.

3. I  pretended nothing was wrong when you wanted me to hold you. I knew before you said a word, I held you.

4. I  made plans with you to go back to Paris. We waited until Bodhi left, but then you got sick. We both know you could no longer go and I sat with you and looked at our pictures of the old days  and I held you.

5. I  drove to our doctor’s office and we got the final verdict, we held each other.

6.  I pretended the disease wasn’t robbing your mind and when you told me something out-of-synch, I didn’t let you know, I held you.

7. We went to the nursery because you needed to garden, but you barely made it down the isles. I gave you a ride on the long cart and held you then.

8. I played your  ‘morning music’ on the I-Pod you got for your birthday. When the memories made you sad instead of happy and you went silent, I held you.

9. I  sat up all night with you because the cardiac apnea  wouldn’t let you sleep. I slept on the floor by your bed for days until you left. In the morning, l changed your drenched sheets and held you with your last breath

10. I will always hold you, Trace.  My anguish is equal to the depth of love we had.

 

The original at JMG

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5 Responses to Remembering

  1. I hope you know that you are in my thoughts and meditations. Namaste.

  2. robin andrea says:

    Thank you for writing down these words.

  3. robin andrea says:

    I just read the original post on Joe My God. I’ve never been to that site before, and the post is as beautiful as intended. Now, I remember Daniel. Now I remember Trace. Now I remember.

  4. Tara Crowley says:

    I somehow missed this post, Michael. Your anguish leaps off the screen. Your tender ministrations are inspiring. This is what love is. See you tomorrow, dear man.

  5. rainnnn says:

    Beautiful and very sad. It is how life is and if we are in a relationship to the end, how it will be for all of us. None the less, it’s sad 😦

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