‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie’

What ever happened to Ward Cleaver? Remember Ward? He was husband to June and father to Wally and the Beav on 'Leave It To Beaver'. Ward was the ideal American male: athletic, handsome, calm, reasoned, masculine in a quiet certain manner. He treated his wife like an intelligent human being and his sons with justice and affection. Ward was more sophisticated than the rough and silent John,the Duke, Wayne, but not as soignée as Cary Grant. Ward was a wonderful mentor figure for boys. He didn’t need super-male, tribal testosterone tattoos or body piercings. As far as we know Ward didn’t have drug or achohol problems. There was no overt sign of addiction. Only Lucy dared get wacked on VitaMeataVegamin. Wally and his younger brother Beaver turned out to be decent kids. They didn’t mow down fellow school kids with automatic weapons, deal dope in the fifth grade, or hang with loose 'banger' girls in elementary school. What happened to that American world? It went the way of Viet Nam when American mythology lost its innocence forever. It happened because ordinary guys in thousands of collateral damage incidents crossed the line between right and wrong. Is that why so many American men can be violent, sniviling, snarling, gay bashing, ‘nazi’ feminist hating, ex addict felon, wife abusing, authoritarian, paranoid, gun carrying, controlling, Republican evangelical-on-Sunday, sexually insecure momma’s boy’s in denial jerks? Could it be mammary madness? Take for example the spectacle of the American Super Bowl. Not too many years ago, Lynne Cheney-type flame twirling majorettes marched up and down the playing field with cartoon-like mascots. At its raciest- sideline cheerwomen bobbled about in thongs and halters. Now we have halftime shows composed of non-talents like Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake simulating copulation on stage to bad music and expensive beer. And then, horrors of horrors, Janet had a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that sent the religious right, who were glued to the TV, into wailing outrage. They had to watch that segment repeatedly over several weeks just to be sure. The brouhaha that ensued over Janet’s tiny boob seemed equivalent to Beelzabub’s eating of infants. Michael Powell, chief prude of the FCC, held court over this outrage and punished the evil doers with an unprecedented miniscule fine. Give me the twirlers anyday. Our European cousins were crying with laughter and snickering with derision over America’s Puritian boob hunt. Mom, apple pie, and mammaries–nothing wrong with that on the face of it. But have you seen American reality shows lately? Well, there’s “Dog the Bounty Hunter”, his spandexed wife Beth, and on the next channel over reigns Victoria Gotti of mobster fame. Both women look like Empire sofa’s on wobbly stilts. By contrast, ole’ Madonna looks like high society. Remember the material girl? So many American men now drive monster trucks with story high wheels and enough horse power to help Alexander The Great conquor the world. Compensation for what? There is a saying going around now that the bigger the Hummer the smaller the hummer. There is some truth to this observation. The Governator of California has five of these tax exempt, fuel guzzling behemouths. An early photo of our actor/politician as a nude young body builder give fact to the notion. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie is as big as Texas these days. Look at current role models running this country. George Bush was a drunken failure at everything money could buy until he found Jesus and lied his way into the White House. His mentors are Machiavellian Ayn Rand radicals who loath the obstacles of democracy that prevent a complete fascist takeover of the world’s most poweful armed forces and corporate golden goose. The irony is that these same men never served a day in frontline service, dodged the draft, had better things too do like Cheney, or just didn’t finish showing up like Bush. Bush landing on an aircraft carrier in dress-up pilot outfit announcing the job in Iraq a fait accompli was a travesty of the most Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie sort imaginable. The blatant hypocrisy of Bush’s over extending the voluntary army’s stay in Iraq and cutting future veterans benefits because they are not standing army is beyond unspeakable. Remember Swartzkoff and pre Secretary of State Powell? Those were generals. Now we have Lt. General Mattis, leveler of Fallujia who was recently quoted as saying that war, “Its a hell of a hoot,” and “It's fun to shoot some people,(because)they have no manhood anyhow.” Wow, that’s a role model for you. What a man! Last year's General what’s-his-name declared after the bombing of Baghdad that he knew victory was certain because his God was bigger than theirs”– Itsy Bitsy evangelical style. Regarding war, a writer sends the editor of the Press Democrat the following: “Oh me,oh my, oh goodness gracious, the sky is falling! What have we here? Just a warrior who enjoys his work and speaks plainly". Perhaps war is enjoyable now. I doubt that those on the ground feel that, or the ten thousand wounded, marked for lives of rehabilitation, or the families, wives, sons and daughters of the dead, not to mentions tens of thousands of dead Iraqi civilians. Just look at the sanction for torture that has been given legitimacy by the elevation of Alberto Gonzales to the position of Attorney General. I seriously doubt that Ward Cleaver would recognize the grand old party of Lincoln. If the above editor writer drives a small, fuel efficient toyota truck I’ll eat crow. After covering entertainment, politics, and war let us turn our jaundiced eye toward the Itsy Bitsy of law. Did you catch the article by Julie Bisbee of the Associated Press on Judge Donald Thompson’s disbarment from the bench? Evidently, over a period of months, strange wooshing sounds could be heard through the courtroom. It seems that Judge Thompson had hooked himself up to a penis pump under his robes during lengthy criminal cases. Many remarked that a glazed look came over his face on more than one occassion. He now faces charges for indecent exposure. Court reporter Lisa Foster told authorities she had seen Thompson use the device almost daily during August 2003. She had the hard, indisputable fact. Many fear the case will end in a hung jury. Now that’s Itsy Bitsy for you. Come Back Ward Cleaver. We need a real role model.

 

                            

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